Baclofen Pump

We went to the hospital on Monday for yet another visit, met with a bunch of doctors hoping to improve his life some. They would like to put a baclofen pump in him. (Baclofen is a medication that decreases the spasticity, he takes it orally now, but this way it is delivered in smaller amounts throughout the day with an overall better effect). The device is the size of a hockey puck and it sits under his skin near his stomach. It has a tube that goes around to his spine, where the medication is distributed. It gets filled as needed, every few months I believe. It's strange sitting in there, even though I have done it a hundred times. 9 people starring at me and Matt, asking many questions about him and his life, wanting to know again how it all began. I don't like it. It's worth it, of course, if it helps him even a little. I had to go out to fill the parking metre, I was so glad as I was choking back the tears, I took a drink of water and a deep breath before going back inside, it helped somehow. I know people don't see him as I do, as a precious little boy, whom I have all the dreams and wishes for, as any mother would. Somedays I feel like I have failed him, unable to make him better, not able to give him a fair chance. I live with the fact that I couldn't even bring him into this world safely. Logically I know it wasn't my fault, that's why we go to doctors, but still, I failed at the first chance of protecting my son. I know there is a purpose, maybe I won't know it until I'm in heaven, but I will know it one day. I'm sure it's very remarkable. I know his life has changed me, how could it not! Someone once told me (a few years back) that "someone" wondered why everything was always about Matt for me. Why? Because it is. It simply is.

The Beginning

I suppose I should start this blog by telling the story of Matt, how his tough entrance into this world started a journey we never expected to take. Matt was born 7 years ago, in the fall of 2000. He suffered from a preventable brain injury due to lack of oxygen during his birth. He started to seize almost immediately after he was resuscitated. Had the doctor used a fetal heart monitor, I would have been given an emergency cesarean, and his life would have never been so tough. I wish so much I would have known more going into Matt's birth, but we can't look back, so we focus on today, and hope for an easier tomorrow. He has spastic quadriplegia cerebral palsy caused by hypoxic ischemic encephalopathy. He is completely dependant. I am his mom, and I started this blog for many reasons. A little for others, a little for Matt, but mostly for me. So that those who want to know what's going on can just look, and to give me a way to tell Matt's story, one day at a time.