8.22.2010

how to say good-bye

My beautiful son passed away unexpectedly on Saturday, August 14, 2010. We are still in shock and struggling with our sadness. We had a memorial for him on Friday, August 20. A letter to Matthew came quickly from Doug, my husband and he decided to have it read at the service. This lead me to write one as well but it came much slower to me then it did for Doug. It's pretty tough to find the words to say good-bye.  I still have many moments of disbelief. But that said, I thought I'd share my letter to him on here as well.


Dear Matt

I have tried to write this letter to you so many times but words seem so inadequate as I try to express how I feel about you. You see, your whole life my heart has been conflicted. Even before you were born the knowledge of you gave me so much happiness. Your beautiful face delighted me from the first moment I saw you and I was hooked forever. But you started to hurt right away and your pain caused me great sorrow. You have suffered so much in your too short life and although being your mom was my favorite thing, I ached with your every cry. Each doctor appointment came with grim news and I knew that your life would be hard. 

I prayed everyday that God would heal you, but He had some other big plans for your life and you were so tough and up for the task. I need to tell you that I'm sorry, I'm so sorry that I couldn't make you well. I'm sorry that you never walked or talked or rode a bike. I'm sorry that you never got to do so many things that most kids get to do. But you know my sweet boy, God used you in ways most people couldn't dream of in their lifetime and I am more proud of you then any mother could be. You inspire, you change, you make us all understand what matters most in this world. You made me dream bigger, love harder, live richer and believe more faithfully. You were the most wonderful little boy, and why God trusted me enough to be blessed with such an amazing son, I will never know, but I will spend the rest of my days thanking Him for you.

And now my most precious little pal, your suffering is over. I'm so happy for you but I'm really sad for me. I bet my old grandpa's and good old Mr. Heppel were really happy to see you, it's comforting to me knowing that they are there with you. I will miss our Sunday mornings and our after-schools. I will miss you in my kitchen visiting me while I bake or cook. I will miss the way you sparkled when your wonderful Papa Paul came to see you. I will miss your beautiful smile and your happy sounds, especially when your daddy had you on his lap. I will miss you in my arms, I loved when you would hug me the best way that you could, thank-you for hugging me. 

I'm holding onto the knowledge that I will get to see you again some day. I'm waiting for the day that you greet me with wide open arms and a great big hug. Thank-you for being you, It was such an honor being your mommy. Please know that I love you deeply and that I really really miss you. 

Love from Mommy