Yesterday was my kids last day of school. As I said good-bye to one of my son's retiring teacher's she said this to me "I want you to know that you have a really happy boy, he is very joyful." She knows my concerns for my kids little hearts this year, how I've wondered how much they hurt from losing a brother so young. She knows I wonder even if they fully understand how to process it all and their feelings that go with it. So when she said this to me it meant a great deal. But then she followed it with this, "You have 2 very happy boys actually."
It made me think, isn't our children's happiness and well being what is most important to us as parents? We hurt when they hurt, we cry when they make poor choices, we get discouraged when they disobey. But never because we want it for us, we want it for them. Happiness, comfort and most importantly a desire to know God. And my two sweet boys (and daughter) have all those things. But ultimately, Matthew is as happy, comfortable and close to Jesus as will ever be possible. And I am happy too, that I can know that. So my sadness for that boy is just for me. My heartache is just in the length of time until I will see his smile again or feel his hugs. Nearly 11 months has not taken that pain away, I am learning to cope with it better but missing him is just as strong. As his mom, however, I must rejoice in his ultimate peace and comfort and focus on the fact that I will be with him again. That is a beautiful gift of peace.

How many children do i have?

I have 3 kids. Matt, Mya and Hudsen ages 10, 8 and 6 at the moment. Trouble is, I can only see 2. I can only talk to 2 and I can only hug 2. So what do I tell people who ask? The question comes up all of the time.  I pause every time and still don't know the best way to answer.
My dad says he has 11 grandchildren, (my brother has 5, my sister has 3) then he shows his favorite picture of Matthew (his screen photo on his blackberry) and says to people "this one is in heaven". Twice in the last month I have met people who ask how old my children are. (8 and 6)Then we talk and they ask how long Doug and I have been married. Then they say, you waited awhile to children! Nope, "actually we didn't, we had a son in 2000 who died when he was 9". Silence.....
I talked to my dad about it. He said "You have 3 children, just one doesn't live with you."
I don't want to be dramatic, I don't want to make people feel uncomfortable but how can I leave Matt out?
I have 3 children. Just one doesn't live with me, he lives in heaven.

I'm busy, too busy. I feel pulled in a million directions. Starting a non-profit organization is difficult and political and it takes fight. I believe in it so passionately that I keep moving forward but I'm weary. Maybe it is good to be busy so that I don't drown in my own sorrow. Right now there is at least 5 other things I should be working on but I just feel kind of empty. Today I listened to a song that reminds me so much of Matthew.  ('Come to Jesus' is its unofficial title, by Chris Rice) When I heard it today I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry, I wanted the world to stop so that I could jump off this crazy ride for awhile and just mourn. Mourn for a beautiful life that was tortured from birth. Mourn for my son who never spoke words. Mourn for him because he never walked or was free of pain. Cry out and ask why, despite my prayers, God chose to take Matthew home instead of heal his broken body here. I want to be able to sense him, to catch a glimpse of his beautiful face, to dream of him running and dancing. But I don't and I haven't. I want to understand why I wasn't given the chance to say good-bye. I want to hug him or hold his hand. But I don't and I can't. I know all the true stuff good people say, that he is free now, that he touched lives, that God has a bigger plan for him than I could ever know. I know it all in my head but will someone please tell my heart?