It's been nearly 3 months since you left this earth. There is hardly a moment that passes that I don't miss you. It's not getting any easier living without you. It's so strange to me how life goes on, even though logically I know that is the way of the world. People have their stuff, but sometimes it seems somewhat meaningless to me. Probably because I'm almost convinced that there is a real hole in my heart and the pain I feel must be it trying to heal itself. My heart physically hurts, like someone is squeezing it all of the time. I feel lost and I constantly feel like I am forgetting something. Because something[one] is missing and I can't get it[you] back no matter how bad I want to. I am struggling with the sorrow and guilt of not being able to say goodbye to you. I just need to tell you how sorry I am that I wasn't there. I have to believe that Jesus was with you, you did have a smile on your face! But if there was a moment where you were scared and wondering where your mom was, I am so sorry my son. That scares me to think about. The other day I was busy in the kitchen and I sensed you near me. Was it you? Do you know how much I adore you? In heaven can you see and know that you are still the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing on my mind before I fall asleep?
You were brave and beautiful. You were heroic and you are missed in more ways than I can even try to express.
Forever your mommy
xoxoxoxo
