I'm busy, too busy. I feel pulled in a million directions. Starting a non-profit organization is difficult and political and it takes fight. I believe in it so passionately that I keep moving forward but I'm weary. Maybe it is good to be busy so that I don't drown in my own sorrow. Right now there is at least 5 other things I should be working on but I just feel kind of empty. Today I listened to a song that reminds me so much of Matthew.  ('Come to Jesus' is its unofficial title, by Chris Rice) When I heard it today I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry, I wanted the world to stop so that I could jump off this crazy ride for awhile and just mourn. Mourn for a beautiful life that was tortured from birth. Mourn for my son who never spoke words. Mourn for him because he never walked or was free of pain. Cry out and ask why, despite my prayers, God chose to take Matthew home instead of heal his broken body here. I want to be able to sense him, to catch a glimpse of his beautiful face, to dream of him running and dancing. But I don't and I haven't. I want to understand why I wasn't given the chance to say good-bye. I want to hug him or hold his hand. But I don't and I can't. I know all the true stuff good people say, that he is free now, that he touched lives, that God has a bigger plan for him than I could ever know. I know it all in my head but will someone please tell my heart?